Are we still reading this?
Figured I'd get some thoughts down, maybe either of you will read it, maybe you won't... It's late, so this is all likely to be junk of course. Feeling a bit down recently, I think it stems from two things; firstly, the fact that I'm a bit lonely, and secondly, my lack of ambition. Fixing either of those would fix this mood I think, but obviously that's easier said than done. I concentrated so hard on becoming a professional programmer, now that its happened, I'm kind of stuck on where to go next.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I have fun doing it, but I feel like I might've set my goals too low. I know I'm capable of more than I'm doing at the moment, but I'm a bit stuck on direction. Obviously nothing happens overnight, I'd be the first person to say that... I'm not at all used to not having a very clear direction though. At the moment, it's just earn money to buy a house - but then what? I feel like I should have aspirations, but I seem to have settled into a routine, and I'm not at all satisfied with it. I should probably take some time off, have a holiday, relax, think about things a bit.
The loneliness part is an odd thing, it makes me ponder on how fickle emotions are. You can realise that they're chemicals, you know that there are certain things you can do to elevate your mood, but where do you draw the line between artificial elevation and 'productive' elevation? I think at the end of the day, I'm missing companionship... Breaking up with Lyss hit me harder than I realised, and the thing with Heather really didn't help that...
The 'date' last Saturday I think went quite well, but I'm just fretting that it went terribly and that yet another person thinks lowly of me. I hope it didn't, but I just can't bring myself to think positively. Why do I care so much what other people think? I certainly didn't while I was with Lyss, but it seems my self-confidence has just plummeted since then.
This is going to be an embarrassing post in the morning... Anyway, In short, I need to get my life back on track... Where do I start?
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I have fun doing it, but I feel like I might've set my goals too low. I know I'm capable of more than I'm doing at the moment, but I'm a bit stuck on direction. Obviously nothing happens overnight, I'd be the first person to say that... I'm not at all used to not having a very clear direction though. At the moment, it's just earn money to buy a house - but then what? I feel like I should have aspirations, but I seem to have settled into a routine, and I'm not at all satisfied with it. I should probably take some time off, have a holiday, relax, think about things a bit.
The loneliness part is an odd thing, it makes me ponder on how fickle emotions are. You can realise that they're chemicals, you know that there are certain things you can do to elevate your mood, but where do you draw the line between artificial elevation and 'productive' elevation? I think at the end of the day, I'm missing companionship... Breaking up with Lyss hit me harder than I realised, and the thing with Heather really didn't help that...
The 'date' last Saturday I think went quite well, but I'm just fretting that it went terribly and that yet another person thinks lowly of me. I hope it didn't, but I just can't bring myself to think positively. Why do I care so much what other people think? I certainly didn't while I was with Lyss, but it seems my self-confidence has just plummeted since then.
This is going to be an embarrassing post in the morning... Anyway, In short, I need to get my life back on track... Where do I start?
posted by Chris at 2:14 am
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